Let me set the scene for you:
April 2011 had arrived and along with it, came April showers a-plenty. This particular day however, was unseasonably hot.
My Fiancé & I had decided to take our usual stroll into town. As usual we wheeled side by side, and as usual my electric wheelchair was towing his manual - He's not lazy, it's just that my chair is far superior than his, obviously.
We know these pavements like the back of our hands, so our usual routine of Wheelchair Slalom - aka Dodge-The-Dog-Shit had begun. But our time in town was brief: He became hungry, and me, well, mother nature beckoned. McDonalds seemed the best bet, while he ate I could pee.
Patience is not my forte, I wanted to be quick, a place full of screaming kids and pre pubescent staff members is not my idea of fun, but never get you're hopes up in McDonalds: You're hungry again in less than an hour, and you couldn't fart in their tiny toilet without unwillingly broadcasting it!
He's food arrived, so I finally went to relieve myself.
There I am sat on the loo, happily going for a wee, when suddenly Mother Nature's "Number 2" crept up on me! - Ugh! don't you hate it when that happens! No biggie, I'll just carry on. But looking around I realise:
There's not a shred of toilet paper in sight, not even paper towels!
So I did what I thought best - I stopped.
But it was too late!
There was a knock on the door:
Me: [panicked] "Someone's in here!!"
Staff: [gormless] "Oh, erm, 'got some loo roll here.
Me: "...Right.
Staff: "D'ya want it then?"
Me: "Well I'm not gunna open the door while I'm still ON the loo am I!?"
Staff: "K'then. Bye.
He left.... and took the toilet roll with him.
What the COCK do I do now?!
....
I make my way back over to my Fiancé Tay, he was just finishing his drink - I looked a little more then frazzled.
Tay: "You okay?!"
Me: No.
Tay: "Why?"
Me: "I think I've shit myself."
Tay: What??
Me: "... I think I've shit myself."
Tay: "Well what did you do that for?!"
Me: "Oh yea, I love shitting myself babe, It's my only true vice!"
Tay: "...."
Me: "I'm going home for a shower."
I made my way home as quick as possible, paranoid that people thought I smell - of course i did! Paranoid that people could tell my pants were full of Poo - of course they were!
I hate McDonalds. It's shit.
Chaz! xx
That was seriously hysterical: Not your demise, but your recanting of your demise. Your friend Oy VA Goy posted about your blog, so I stopped by. I'm glad I did. Thanks for making me laugh. I love your picture by the way.
ReplyDeleteAh thanks! It really is just a normal day for me when these things happen, and if/when they don't, I get a little concerned. So glad you enjoyed it, I hope you check back to read other 'normal' antics! Feel free to spread the word too!
ReplyDeleteChaz! xx
I was delighted to see your face right on the top of my followers list today. :-) It is an honor. I won't try to be funny like you are, but after the poetry presentation and reading your blog, I know I need more humor in my life. Everything here is way too serious. Laughter is really good medicine and helps ease many pains. So, I pray that I can l-i-g-h-t-e-n up!
ReplyDeleteYou're most welcome, I really appreciate your positive feedback! :)
ReplyDeleteLaughter IS the best medicine, I completely agree! & please share my blog, I would really like to get my point across to as many people as I can.
Happy blogging friend!