Monday 23 April 2012

Oh 'Pooh' You!

Usually my Blog is 'Disability' related, and though I welcome readers from all walks of life - no pun intended,  I think it's safe to say that this one may apply to everyone. If you're brave enough to admit it that is!


Let me set the scene for you:


April 2011 had arrived and along with it, came April showers a-plenty. This particular day however, was unseasonably hot.
My Fiancé & I had decided to take our usual stroll into town. As usual we wheeled side by side, and as usual my electric wheelchair was towing his manual - He's not lazy, it's just that my chair is far superior than his, obviously. 


We know these pavements like the back of our hands, so our usual routine of Wheelchair Slalom - aka Dodge-The-Dog-Shit had begun. But our time in town was brief: He became hungry, and me, well, mother nature beckoned. McDonalds seemed the best bet, while he ate I could pee.


Patience is not my forte, I wanted to be quick, a place full of screaming kids and pre pubescent staff members is not my idea of fun, but never get you're hopes up in McDonalds: You're hungry again in less than an hour, and you couldn't fart in their tiny toilet without unwillingly broadcasting it!


He's food arrived, so I finally went to relieve myself. 


There I am sat on the loo, happily going for a wee, when suddenly Mother Nature's "Number 2" crept up on me! - Ugh! don't you hate it when that happens! No biggie, I'll just carry on. But looking around I realise: 


There's not a shred of toilet paper in sight, not even paper towels! 
So I did what I thought best - I stopped. 


But it was too late!


There was a knock on the door:


Me: [panicked] "Someone's in here!!"


Staff: [gormless] "Oh, erm, 'got some loo roll here.


Me: "...Right.


Staff: "D'ya want it then?"


Me: "Well I'm not gunna open the door while I'm still ON the loo am I!?"


Staff: "K'then. Bye.


He left.... and took the toilet roll with him.


What the COCK do I do now?!


....


I make my way back over to my Fiancé Tay, he was just finishing his drink - I looked a little more then frazzled.


Tay: "You okay?!"


Me: No.


Tay: "Why?"


Me: "I think I've shit myself."


Tay: What??


Me: "... I think I've shit myself."


Tay: "Well what did you do that for?!"


Me: "Oh yea, I love shitting myself babe, It's my only true vice!"


Tay: "...."


Me: "I'm going home for a shower."


I made my way home as quick as possible, paranoid that people thought I smell - of course i did! Paranoid that people could tell my pants were full of Poo - of course they were!



I hate McDonalds. It's shit. 

Chaz! xx

Saturday 21 April 2012

Fascination Fuck.

So, you've found your very own Mr or Mrs Darcy, He or She is tall dark and handsome - or short fat & ugly, whatever your preference! There's someone out there for everyone after all.
You've been seeing each other for a while, and the fact that your disability doesn't seem to bother them in the slightest is, let's be honest, something of a confidence boost if nothing else! Things are going great.
But all of a sudden your 'Darcy' seems all too keen to progress to the next level of 'intimacy' - and we all know what that means!
You seem excited at the prospect for a while, but then you realise - you haven't been introduced to anyone of importance to them, like there family, or even their friends!
Why haven't they introduced you to ANYONE? - It suddenly dawns on you, you may or may not be (you probably are) a 'Fascination Fuck!'

If you're wondering what that means exactly, It's pretty simple: Someone who classes sleeping with a Disabled person, as a little 'KINKY.'


"So tell me, can you still have Sex?"


"Yes, I have Cerebral Palsy, I'm not a Nun!"


"Oh! Well, I've always wanted to try something a little Kinky!"

It's nothing of the sort - unless you like that kind of thing, but, if you're anything like me, you just want a good old fashioned shag! A good relationship that comes with it is of course, is an added bonus.

But why describe it as 'Kinky'? It's almost as if we should be 'flattered' by such a description, after all, an able bodied person would be lucky to even have "Great sex" in the first place, but us Disabled people are Kinky without even trying - Um, thanks?!

Seriously though, there is no difference between 'Normal' sex, and supposed 'Disabled' sex, whether it you're both in wheelchairs, or one, or none at all - We all have the same holes don't we.

One more thing, if you, or some one you know, think that we literally: eat, sleep, shit, shower, shave & shag in our wheelchairs, let me clear a few things up for you:


  1. Contrary to popular beliefs: Any children with parents who are Wheelchair Bound WILL NOT be born with tiny wheelchairs attached to them!
  2. Our wheelchairs ARE NOT permanently attached to our arse!
  3. If you thought ANY of the above was even remotely true, I'm sorry to disappoint! 

I've never had a 'Fascination Fuck' myself, but I do find it - Fucking Fascinating!

Chaz! x

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Blogged My Cherry: A little introduction.

Are you wheelchair bound? Ever actually seen your bum? Like REALLY seen it? You know, for more than a few seconds when you get dressed, or when you've accidentally fallen off of a public disabled toilet and unfortunately there's a full length mirror 'inconsiderately' attached to the inside of the door and you're forced to stare at it until someone eventually answers that emergency chord call you've then had to pull  (That person sees a whole lotta' bum - more then you could only dream of seeing!)

No? Me either.

I've always imagined what it would look like:
Not as big as JLO's but not as small as Kiera Knightley's either. Some where in the middle would suffice thanks!
Trouble is, 24 years (and counting) of being Wheelchair Bound has left my laurels somewhat, um, well... What would your dream-bum look like? You can have any bum in the world! (theoretically of course!)

I've decided to create a Blogg for disabled people: regular weekly rants consisting of the trials and tribulations of a permanent life on wheels.

Just so you know, it won't always be a Blogg about bums, maybe next week, but we've all been there haven't we - though I never did go back to that toilet!

Chaz! x