Monday, 21 May 2012

Controversial Cabbage.

It's exactly what it sounds like. Probably.

'Chaz the Spazz' was specifically chosen by me to raise a few eyebrows, maybe ruffle a few feathers - at the very least, for it's catchy title.
People are intrigued in the unknown, in the different, and I suppose to strangers, I'm both in personification.

But for people who do understand, and live with disability first hand or otherwise, a name or title such as 'Spazz' can be quite offensive. My Mother certainly thinks so, and a few friends too.

I like to use it with me, so that people can't use it against me. Sort of a subconsciousness protection thingy.

As you know, I'm all about sense of humour, and making light of situations - disability related at least. Just like Comedian and fellow C.P.-er (Cerebral Palsy) Zach Anner:

"No Atlantis is too underwater or fictional!"
"When life gives you Wheelchair, make Lemonade!"

He's like the American version of me! Only he's taller and has man bits I assume?  I was first introduced to him whilst browsing for comedians on YouTube. Here's that video, you won't be disappointed! 


My point is: Making light of things is I think, the best thing to do in certain situations. But what do you do when the jokes on you, and, whether they mean to or not, you simply cannot laugh it off, and they've gone a step too far.

The above can be said even of people in authoritative positions, such as Parents maybe, or Teachers: I went to a residential college for disabled people, and studied BTEC Performing Arts. I hated the fact that we still had to do Dance even though, WE-WERE-ALL-IN-WHEELCHAIRS(!) 

I did it anyway, I was only rebellious on the weekends.

It was the end of term, and our big end of year Dance exam was just around the corner. This year however, we were to do a 'Collaborative Project' with the fashion students called: 'Fashion-able'

I know. I know.

They were to design our 'Outfits' and we were told to model or dance (whichever we wanted) down the cat-walk.

So sad, but so bloody true!

This wasn't the worst though, oh no! Us Dance students were then split into two groups and assigned the following categories to model:

Group 1: Birds of Prey.

Lovely!

Group 2: VEGETABLES!!!!



Not-so-lovely.


Guess which group I was in....



18 years old.
Don't let the smile fool you, this
Cabbage was boiling with rage.


The staff deemed it perfectly suitable to grade us, disabled teenagers, on just how well we portrayed Vegetables. The worst part for me was having photographic evidence, a photo that will haunt me forever!

It was too late to say anything, the hat was sewn and costumes were fitted - fetching, no?

i think you'll agree: A controversial move from the College, and a rather insulting situation for us.

What do I think about it now?

Well if I were a Sprout, I'd still be just as angry.

Remember, eat your Vegetables!

Chaz
xx






 














Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Celebrity 'Blue-ppers'

Raise your hands arms legs feet bum head or whatever you can, if you love going to a gig or two? Keep them raised if, like me, you love meeting the star(s) afterwards?

...Don't be shy, you know you do!

Anticipation, excitement and nerves all at once is a one of a kind feeling isn't it, and all for a momentary glimpse or photo with your favourite Celeb. If you're lucky, you may exchange a single sentence, maybe even touch their elbow or knee! I know I know, It was the only bit of their anatomy you could reach at the time..... you know, in some cultures, that means you just had sex!

I've experienced everything in mention on several occasions - I'm a bit of a stage door stalker. In a non stalkery kind of way you understand. 

One such celebrity I was "fortunate" enough to meet, was the now bulging bi-sexual that is: Duncan James. 
I met him with a friend when we saw the brilliant west end show 'Legally Blonde' He was lovely, and at the time, I was equally as star struck by his presence.

Though I was far more interested in the fantastically witty Sheridan Smith: 

Such a lovely gal! x

However, thanks to a friend of mine, in the last 24 hours I've become aware of an interview (found at holymoly.com) that Duncan & his band mates - collectively known as Blue, did for The Guardian in regards to their UK entry in the Eurovision Song contest in April of last year (2011) 

Sufficed to say, I found the read as successful as their Eurovision attempt entirely. 

Being a cripp does have it's perks at times, like: Not having to queue at theme parks such as Alton Towers Resort, or Disabled parking. But even though we're 'disabled people', we're still normal, right? - Not according to Duncan James. 

Below I've posted a segment from the interview mentioned throughout, (I've highlighted the worst) quoting DJ in reply to the interviewer when he asked "Whose the most popular?":-
 "We all have different fans, I get a lot of the mums and the disabled children. A lot of my fans have got cerebral palsy, but you know what? I love children like that, and I love people who have got disabilities because I spent a lot of time in hospital with my grandparents when they were ill, and Mum was a nurse. It's just in my nature. I'm like a magnet to them, and I treat them like normal people so they latch on. I once had a launch party and there was a queue of disabled kids all in wheelchairs come to see me, and Sara [the band's manager] walked in and goes: 'What is it with you and disabled people?'" 
So Duncan, correct me if I'm wrong: you love disabled people because: unfortunately, your grandparents were poorly and in turn they became disabled??

Thank you, sincerely, for treating us - your disabled fans, like normal people.
Seriously, If it wasn't for your kind gesture that's 'just in your nature' I would never have realised I was so ab-normal!

....Your intentions seem good, but your argument is completely demoralising to your 'much loved' disabled fans and as such they're are probably more than a little offended!

If the truth be told, we should both be ashamed really:

You: for the most insulting answer to a question EVER!

Me: For being a fan in the first place.

It seemed like a good idea at the time though - I bet you could relate to that couldn't you boys?....


Chaz!
xx



Thursday, 10 May 2012

'That London!'

How do I describe the best weekend of my life?

That London.


I've been to London thousands of times to see show, after show, after show - but every time I'd have to leave early or rush back to get the last train home. Thankfully though, this time was different.

Some people say they feel smog and or hostility of London as soon as they step off the train, like they've been thrust into the rat race and it's every man for themselves, they say it's filthy and unwelcoming. I agree, but only partly.

Mostly, I feel the buzz & I see the dream chasers, It feels like home, and this weekend is no exception.

This was our first time away together, even though we've been living together for the past two years, and been together for the last three.
This was no special occasion, just one night away & tickets to a concert - and not just any concert....

I'm a HUGE fan of Rockabilly singer Imelda May and have been to see her twice before, but never at The Royal Albert Hall. 

To say I was excited would be a little more than an understatement! 

My partner Tay & I finally arrived in London after a two hour train journey, and made our way to the Hotel in Kensington. 

Whenever I'm in town, I always keep my eye out for celebs - I can't help it, it's like a reflex now, it's drummed into my senses!

This time however, I simply wasn't prepared: 


Tay and I were deep in conversation and almost at our hotel, when I noticed someone come out of a restaurant just as soon as we came passed it, yes that's right - it was Mr Michael Barrymore! 

I'd already picked up speed and momentum in my chair, and as usual Tay was hitching a ride. 
We got closer to him and said hi, Michael stopped thinking we'd want a picture, trouble is we just carried on going! It really wasn't intentional honest!! 



....Sorry Mike.



The rest  of the evening went without a hitch, oh and the hotel! - did I mention it was a four star?

We ate what I think is possibly the best Chinese EVER! - I wanted to steal the chopsticks but I thought better of it and stole the 'complimentary' hotel toiletries instead! 












We finally arrive at the Albert Hall in anticipation and take to our seats. We bought our tickets late unfortunately, so our view was a little higher than I would've liked! 
<-----








The gig was amazing though, and after 2 and a half hours of waiting at the stage door, we finally got to meet her - and the entire band!!!







Darrel - Guitarist and all round 'Big Bad Handsome Man'
aka Imelda's husband.


Tay lost his pen, Imelda kindly (& literally) pointed out
that it was on his crotch!




She was lovely, and though you can't tell from the blurred picture - I completely swooned over her husband!

We got back from the concert after waiting at the stage door for hours. it was now early hours of the morning and I fancied a drink - it's rude not to order room service in a four star hotel right? 

2:00am Saturday morning:

Staff: "Hello room service?"

Me: "Yes hello, is that room service?"

Staff: "Yes."

Me: "It is?"

Staff: "Yes."

Me: "Oh good um, can I order some room service please?"

Staff: "Yes."

Me: "Do you have drinks?"

Staff: "....Yes"

Me: "Can I have two please?"

Staff: "Which ones?"

Me: "Just a Sprite & a Red Bull please."

Staff: "I'll send it up Madam"

Me: Thanks. We're in room 'M31'

Staff: "I know."

Me: "You do?"

Staff: "Yes."

Me: "Brilliant, see you in a mo'"

I hang up the phone and turn around, Tay is doubled over with the laughter he's been trying to contain for the duration of my phone call. He mimicked me for the remainder of the night: "Do you have drinks?" 

I deserved it, of course they had drinks - I just didn't want to assume.

The next day we were up early to make the most of our full day in London. We visited the National History Museum, and I fell in love with the fact that almost every taxi in London was wheelchair accessible - every Cripp should move here, though it seems you'd do need a couple million pounds to do so. 

...I'm working on it.

Our last pitt stop before we headed home had to be Harrods. - It's the place to go to feel poor. I've never seen such a place!
Out of curiosity, I picked up the smallest bag and asked the salesman how much it was... it was £800!!! mind you, it was B-E-A-UTIFUL!!! 

We had spend three hours on one floor - there were four more to get through!

Maybe next time. 

My favourite part of Harrods had to be the Doorman in their green suits, they're so friendly and helpful, When I came out frazzled and desperate for advice like "Where are your normal shops???" Nigel was there... with a smile?















Nigel, we salute you.

Best weekend ever.

I love that London!


Chaz!
xx

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

"Inspirational Patronisation."

As you may or may not have noticed, I've recently changed the design on my Blog: I feel the logo is more apt for my kind of writing, and to the people who can relate to it.

 

Unfortunately, I cannot take the credit for such a brilliant image. The image was founded & created by siblings: Annie & Stevie Hopkins. 
Their aim is help people understand disability a little more, and to help those who have a disability, to embrace it! 
To find out more about them and just why this image has inspired so many people, go to: http://www.3elove.com/

Personally, I fell in love with it instantly, and even got a tattoo on my wrist! ---->
Inspiration is a fickle thing though isn't it? What one person may class as an inspirational figure, act or achievement, another may find simple or mundane. 

Take me for instance - I'm serious, sometimes I'm a daily inspiration! Apparently they just can't fathom how I muster the "courage" to wake up every single day and "be happy" with my life? Surely not! - This also makes me very brave too in case you didn't know.

But what do you say or do when someone genuinely thinks they're being kind, and taking the time to talk to me is just their good deed for the day? 

If I happen to 'inspire' some complete stranger, who let's say, is in their mid 20's+ This is what would happen: 
They come over with a sympathetic smile, crouch down to my level (because apparently, if you're in a wheelchair, you cant hear anything or anyone that stands higher than your head!) and the conversation begins:

Stranger: "I hope you don't mind me saying so but: I see you every other day coming along here     in your buggy, and you're always smiling - I think you're amazing - such an inspiration!"

Me: "It's a Wheelchair."

Stranger: "Pardon?"

Me: It's not a Buggy It's actually a Wheelchair." 

Stranger: "...Of course it is, Good for you!"

Stranger: [cont'd]: "Must go. See you soon!"

Me: [mumbled]: Hope not.

Stranger: "Pardon?"

Me: "Bye!"

If they were older, lets say OAP, the conversation would be brief or it would just be a phrase said to me in passing. Either way, I'm equally as inspiring to them. But the only way they seem to respond is through what I like to call "Friendly Patronisation"

Here are just some of the phrases or ' Friendly Patronisation' I hear on a daily basis: 

  • "Mind me' toes love!"
  • "Don't run me over"
  • "You got a license for that thing! haha!"
  • "Good for you love!"
  • "Race ya!"
  • "Oh I could do with one of them, let me have a go!"


& my personal favourite:

  • "No speeding!"


I don't know about you but I can't be rude to old people, even if I have heard those lines a thousand times I still smile. You've gotta respect your elders right!

The only thing I've ever done that was even remotely brave was audition for the X Factor last year! That's right folks, Tay & I auditioned as a duo called: "4x4!" 

Unfortunately, the world wasn't ready for the brilliance that was 4x4, so we didn't even make it passed the first round - Hilarious! 
Frankly, we can't be arsed to do it again. We did however, make a video diary of the day (but not of our audition!):
   video



Be inspired by real people, people who've changed history - people like:

Rosa Parks. (above) Rosa refused to give up her bus seat to a White passenger after being ordered to do so by the driver. By standing her ground and refusing, Rosa helped bring an end to the racial segregation in the 50's. 

Or

Oskar Schindler (above) is credited with saving thousands of Jewish people's life during the Holocaust in World War 2, by employing them in his enamelware & ammunitions factories. He did this with no regard for his own life, despite how dangerous it could've been for him.

(Facts & Pictures provided by Wikipedia.org)

This isn't the wittiest Blog I've ever written, nor the cleverest, but it's all true - Don't be inspired by me or by any other disabled person for that matter.

Unless of course, it's Stephen Hawking - let's face it, he's a bit smart!

I wish people would stop coming up to me on the street though, All I want to do is get to Morrison's for some Tampons & a Chocolate Bar!  

Chaz!
x

Monday, 23 April 2012

Oh 'Pooh' You!

Usually my Blog is 'Disability' related, and though I welcome readers from all walks of life - no pun intended,  I think it's safe to say that this one may apply to everyone. If you're brave enough to admit it that is!


Let me set the scene for you:


April 2011 had arrived and along with it, came April showers a-plenty. This particular day however, was unseasonably hot.
My Fiancé & I had decided to take our usual stroll into town. As usual we wheeled side by side, and as usual my electric wheelchair was towing his manual - He's not lazy, it's just that my chair is far superior than his, obviously. 


We know these pavements like the back of our hands, so our usual routine of Wheelchair Slalom - aka Dodge-The-Dog-Shit had begun. But our time in town was brief: He became hungry, and me, well, mother nature beckoned. McDonalds seemed the best bet, while he ate I could pee.


Patience is not my forte, I wanted to be quick, a place full of screaming kids and pre pubescent staff members is not my idea of fun, but never get you're hopes up in McDonalds: You're hungry again in less than an hour, and you couldn't fart in their tiny toilet without unwillingly broadcasting it!


He's food arrived, so I finally went to relieve myself. 


There I am sat on the loo, happily going for a wee, when suddenly Mother Nature's "Number 2" crept up on me! - Ugh! don't you hate it when that happens! No biggie, I'll just carry on. But looking around I realise: 


There's not a shred of toilet paper in sight, not even paper towels! 
So I did what I thought best - I stopped. 


But it was too late!


There was a knock on the door:


Me: [panicked] "Someone's in here!!"


Staff: [gormless] "Oh, erm, 'got some loo roll here.


Me: "...Right.


Staff: "D'ya want it then?"


Me: "Well I'm not gunna open the door while I'm still ON the loo am I!?"


Staff: "K'then. Bye.


He left.... and took the toilet roll with him.


What the COCK do I do now?!


....


I make my way back over to my Fiancé Tay, he was just finishing his drink - I looked a little more then frazzled.


Tay: "You okay?!"


Me: No.


Tay: "Why?"


Me: "I think I've shit myself."


Tay: What??


Me: "... I think I've shit myself."


Tay: "Well what did you do that for?!"


Me: "Oh yea, I love shitting myself babe, It's my only true vice!"


Tay: "...."


Me: "I'm going home for a shower."


I made my way home as quick as possible, paranoid that people thought I smell - of course i did! Paranoid that people could tell my pants were full of Poo - of course they were!



I hate McDonalds. It's shit. 

Chaz! xx

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Fascination Fuck.

So, you've found your very own Mr or Mrs Darcy, He or She is tall dark and handsome - or short fat & ugly, whatever your preference! There's someone out there for everyone after all.
You've been seeing each other for a while, and the fact that your disability doesn't seem to bother them in the slightest is, let's be honest, something of a confidence boost if nothing else! Things are going great.
But all of a sudden your 'Darcy' seems all too keen to progress to the next level of 'intimacy' - and we all know what that means!
You seem excited at the prospect for a while, but then you realise - you haven't been introduced to anyone of importance to them, like there family, or even their friends!
Why haven't they introduced you to ANYONE? - It suddenly dawns on you, you may or may not be (you probably are) a 'Fascination Fuck!'

If you're wondering what that means exactly, It's pretty simple: Someone who classes sleeping with a Disabled person, as a little 'KINKY.'


"So tell me, can you still have Sex?"


"Yes, I have Cerebral Palsy, I'm not a Nun!"


"Oh! Well, I've always wanted to try something a little Kinky!"

It's nothing of the sort - unless you like that kind of thing, but, if you're anything like me, you just want a good old fashioned shag! A good relationship that comes with it is of course, is an added bonus.

But why describe it as 'Kinky'? It's almost as if we should be 'flattered' by such a description, after all, an able bodied person would be lucky to even have "Great sex" in the first place, but us Disabled people are Kinky without even trying - Um, thanks?!

Seriously though, there is no difference between 'Normal' sex, and supposed 'Disabled' sex, whether it you're both in wheelchairs, or one, or none at all - We all have the same holes don't we.

One more thing, if you, or some one you know, think that we literally: eat, sleep, shit, shower, shave & shag in our wheelchairs, let me clear a few things up for you:


  1. Contrary to popular beliefs: Any children with parents who are Wheelchair Bound WILL NOT be born with tiny wheelchairs attached to them!
  2. Our wheelchairs ARE NOT permanently attached to our arse!
  3. If you thought ANY of the above was even remotely true, I'm sorry to disappoint! 

I've never had a 'Fascination Fuck' myself, but I do find it - Fucking Fascinating!

Chaz! x

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Blogged My Cherry: A little introduction.

Are you wheelchair bound? Ever actually seen your bum? Like REALLY seen it? You know, for more than a few seconds when you get dressed, or when you've accidentally fallen off of a public disabled toilet and unfortunately there's a full length mirror 'inconsiderately' attached to the inside of the door and you're forced to stare at it until someone eventually answers that emergency chord call you've then had to pull  (That person sees a whole lotta' bum - more then you could only dream of seeing!)

No? Me either.

I've always imagined what it would look like:
Not as big as JLO's but not as small as Kiera Knightley's either. Some where in the middle would suffice thanks!
Trouble is, 24 years (and counting) of being Wheelchair Bound has left my laurels somewhat, um, well... What would your dream-bum look like? You can have any bum in the world! (theoretically of course!)

I've decided to create a Blogg for disabled people: regular weekly rants consisting of the trials and tribulations of a permanent life on wheels.

Just so you know, it won't always be a Blogg about bums, maybe next week, but we've all been there haven't we - though I never did go back to that toilet!

Chaz! x